The Adventures of Teddy Junxspin
It was a cold morning right in the beginning of winter. Gray sky hanging over my head, literally and metaphorically. I woke up low on what makes me feel. Teddy needs his juice and he needs it now. I...
View ArticleThe Complete Minecraft Walkthrough
You have entered into the generated 8-bit landscape. Congratulations. Walk up to the closest tree you see. Punch tree. Once tree has been demolished by your epic punch-out, walk to the next tree. Punch...
View ArticleThe Song Remains the Sim
Matt Redbeard, staff Unfortunately, my mind is only stimulated by being in full control of people’s destinies. The Sims offers me not only mind stimulation, but it also gives me the ability to live my...
View ArticleLet’s Do This!
With the price of gas moving upwards it makes sense that you would want to go to an alternative fuel source. But let’s face it, those alternatives are kind of lame. Electricity? No thanks. That shit...
View ArticleRedbeard’s School Bus Slips
October 10 – Redbeard was ejected from the school bus today for putting his hands over the bus driver’s eyes and continuously chanting, “Guess who?” even after the driver successfully “guessed who” it...
View ArticleThe Art of Being…
The Art of Being… Fucked Up I remember having a conversation with a friend about Nirvana. He was saying how he was glad it ended when it did because Kurt would have gotten sober at some point and the...
View ArticleHow to Get Famous
* From the 1993 “FAME” issue Step on people, especially the little ones (literally and metaphorically). What do you need with these people anyway? The answer is nothing. Burn bridges, make enemies, and...
View ArticleWelcome To Jefferson
Wha’gwan, my Jeffersons! Welcome to The Enlightened State of Jefferson. We are most pleased and gratituded to get you guys all situated in your new life here. Please let me introduce myself; my name is...
View ArticleRedbeard’s Roadtrippin’ Restaurant Reviews: Teepee’s Native American Fry Bread
4926 SE Division St Portland, OR 97206 A la Carts Food Pavilion It’s raining, I’m stuck in Portland, and I’m kinda hung over from the night before. Redbeard needs some grub and it needs to be hella...
View ArticleA Ouija Interview with Kurt Cobain
Matt Redbeard: Hey dude. What’s the afterlife like? Kurt Cobain: Come as you are. MR: Rad. Have you ran into any cool souls? KC: I found my friends, they’re in my head. MR: Way tight. KC: I think I’m...
View ArticleRedbeard’s HighKus
Oh sweet danky buds I love you so so so so So so so so much Wha’gwan Rasta Mon Let us puff on dem dat herb Haile Selassie Puff puff pass homie I barely hit the shit Man you a dumb dumb Rasta man live...
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Rejected Boone’s Farm Flavors
Chuck Berry Hill What’s better than just getting fucked up? Getting fucked up while listening to some old-ass rock and roll, or at least that’s what they thought. But apparently didn’t like the blend...
View ArticleOther Things That Get Better With Age
Milk – You know what I mean? Like cottage cheese. Grandma’s House – Granny’s been gone for a long time, but that ribbon candy in the bowl’s still kicking. Canada – It’s pretty worthless, guys; just...
View ArticleThurston Moore – The Best Day
After more than 30 years in the music industry, Thurston Moore continues to create captivating, relevant material. His intricate knowledge and approach to sound is evident throughout The Best Day....
View ArticleLast Words from all of the Presidents…
George Washington – Where’d my weed go? John Adams – How come no one liked me? Thomas Jefferson – Why did everyone like me? James Madison – Make sure they name a city after me. James Monroe – I was a...
View ArticleMonsantosaurus
I come from a long line of organic, free-range stegosaurus farmers. Stegosaurus meat was the most tender and succulent kind. Oh, those must have been the days. Laying across the open desert, herds of...
View ArticleLooking for a New Start
Hi, I’m Chance Fleming, but I like it when people call me the Colonel, ‘cause I’m from a town called Sanders, and I’m basically the coolest guy there. You know? Like the fried chicken guy. I don’t eat...
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